[rant] what goes into the mind of an underperforming employee

Kept it simple. Feel free to comment

The facts:
1. Working at Amazon since Feb 2020. Been PIPed. Decided to contest it.
2. On F1-OPT
3. Reason for PIP looks legit to me. Not performing at par with my current level yet. Was up-leveled at the interviews I think.

Root cause of my problem:
1. Lack of experience in the domain.
2. Lack of confidence induced by missed delivery targets due to 1.

What I feel:
1. I know and acknowledge my underperformance. Call me brave to put it out or dumb to be slow, but I need time to understand the tech that I work with and wouldn't want to ship garbage code and then make the life of oncall horrible.
2. I have hidden the fact that I'm PIPed from my parents. The reason? They've suffered and sacrificed enough for me. No point in telling them about a problem they can't help me with. But they understand that something's wrong. And the fact that I have to keep dodging their questions hurts me even more. Not being able to freely talk with my parents for the last 2 months is a major confidence sucker for me.
3. I am LCing. But the replies are slow.
4. I thrive in an encouraging environment (who doesn't). I don't have that Cristiano Ronaldo mentality (yet) that can help me survive in adverse scenarios. I crumble emotionally.
5. I feel depressed cause I've gone from multiple offers in hand to a guy who's struggling to implement basic routines.
6. Do I need help? Sure I do. This post looks like it'll garner more sympathy than help. I haven't mentioned my strengths here. But any help is appreciated.

#mentalhealth #depression #amazon #pip #banana #rant #jobhunt